maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
