God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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