Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
