i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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