I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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