She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
