im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
