i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
