Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
