Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
