i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
