Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
