You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
