you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
