How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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