Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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