Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
