i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
