I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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