I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize