Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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