His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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