Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
