happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize