what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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