mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
