the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
