I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
