If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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