The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
