i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
