Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize