I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am midnight drunk by noon
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
