He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize