Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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