feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
