an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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