When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
