when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
