There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
