After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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