I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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