He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
