Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
