Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
