I wish I could teleport
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
