I got chris browned last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
