Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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