Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
