I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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