A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
