3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
