I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
