I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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