why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
