my phone needs a breathalizer
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
