I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
we should paint friendship bongs
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
