I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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