I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
