I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize