If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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